This is a Single Parent Rant I posted on Facebook sometime ago. I'm still thankful for all the little things, even being single (most times). I think that's what prompted me sharing here.
I went to church last night, but didn’t stand in the circle to pray as I usually do. In fact, I don’t know that my church family knew my daughter and I had slipped in. We sat outside the circle and prayed silently and over the cards that are there.. I thought I heard someone say my name in prayer, and then I heard others praying for single parents. I thought this was pretty cool. I pray for us single parents too. We need encouragement that God sees us and knows our struggles. And it’s really encouraging to know that others are remembering us.
What is prompting this writing is a book I’ve just finished reading called From One Single Mom to Another by Sandra P. Aldrich. I’ve had this book for a long time, but just got around to completing it. There is a chapter in there about getting help from others; specifically, “But Help Comes Only When We Ask”. That’s what I’m writing about…
Most times single moms don’t ask for help. Why? Several reasons come to mind for me: I don’t want to bother you; It’s my fault anyway, you probably think I’ve messed up my life, let me figure it out on my own; His wife might not want him helping a single woman; Would they think I’m taking advantage of them? They probably think since I do most things on my own, I don’t need any help. She puts all this on herself. So, these are thoughts of mine and not actually reality. Sometimes, its difficult to push these thoughts away.
Gosh (nerd word), I wished some people would just do something without me having to ask. I hate asking. Once, I asked a deacon at church to borrow a truck to haul some stuff from; he told me to ask someone else, then the other person told me to ask someone else – EEK! They didn’t know how hard it was to ask the first time! I gave up. The past couple of Mother’s Days, my neighbor cut my grass without me asking. THAT was the most precious gift of time I could’ve received! I have asked for help with my house and have been blessed with time again with help for maintenance – a dozen angels have shown up! I have another friend that offered to come help me dig the hole to bury my dog. He lives so far, that I really didn’t want to bother him, but I know he would’ve done it in a minute. My other neighbor lets me borrow from his plethora of yard work thingies. That saves me a lot of money not having to rent equipment.
I’m not whining because I don’t get help. Generally, I’m speaking for all the single parents – and I think all of us have a single parent in our lives – you were raised by one, you’re one, your daughter or son is one, etc.
The following is referenced from Sandra’s book: Single parents need to be specific in what they ask for, Sandra says, “If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.” We hear, “Call me if you need anything.” Most of us have so many needs that we don’t know where to begin and can’t really verbalize it. Here are some things you can do:
Pray for me. I may appear to be strong, but the load of single parenting and career juggling is heavy. If I’m new to this role, I’m struggling with unfamiliar territory and need all the help I can get.
If the Lord gives you specific direction, please listen. He knows my needs – whether its for help with grocery money or for someone to take my son to the Father-Son banquet at church.
Talk to me. When you see me in church, please offer a sincere greeting…If you’ll take an interest, only for a few minutes, in what I’m doing, I won’t feel so alone... Remember, that accepting a divorced person, isn’t condoning divorce. (Chances are it’s not our fault that we’re divorced. Just ask. jmh)
Offer me practical help. Some churches have well-meaning programs of “adopt a family”, but I don’t want to be someone’s Christian responsibility. I just want to be treated normally. Simply invite us to your home just as you would any other family. And please accept when I invite your family to my home. If my children are young, it would be great if you’d offer to take them shopping (and teach them how) for my Christmas or birthday present or help them make something. Some churches have auto clinic days for changing oil or tune-ups, or have a “handyman” file of men that are willing to do small jobs around the house.
Include my kids in your outings. The only “normal” family my kids will see is yours. What a wonderful ministry you can have just by letting them join you on your camp out or family night. Many young boys and girls have no idea what godly fathers do since they either don’t remember their dad or never see him make wise decisions.
Talk to my children. Even a two-minute conversation with my son or daughter in the hallway will make them look forward to coming to church. Encouragement from a trusted adult can change a young person’s life (jmh).
I’m also speaking as a single woman though. I’m terribly lonely most times. My life consists of work, work, work, and sleep. My house is neglected and my kids are as well at times. I’d love to hang out with you and watch a DVD when my kids are gone. Just ask. I haven’t a lot of money – another misconception about single parents is that we all get welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. I don’t. The main job I have keeps me just above the poverty line – so I have to work more. In fact, most of my single mom friends don’t get assistance and have to fight to get child support. We’re the working poor. You know what I mean. The point is to invite us to do things. Even if its going for a walk somewhere. I can’t always go, but its really nice to feel included and thought of.
I want to encourage the single parents – ask if you need help. I’ll fight that knot in my stomach too, and ask as well. For people that don’t know how to help, just offer to do something – anything! I bet that single mom will not say no to your offer! I want to thank the folks in my life who install radios, buy me lunch, take my kids places, provide Christmas presents, cut my grass, let me borrow the power washer, give me food, and the Secret Sister whom has provided me with bus ticket money when she meant it for me to “treat” myself for my birthday and Valentine’s Day, and the many who’ve paid my way so I can go to cool places and do things with you. I pray for you and thank you from the bottom of my pea-pickin’ heart! Go out and be a blessing to someone. Love, Me.
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